I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
