Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have aggressive nipples.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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