have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
