Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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