At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
