You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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