you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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