Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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