Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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