Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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