turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
