She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
