Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
