how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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