i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
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Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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