I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I deserve this hangover.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
