im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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