The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
