Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
