Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
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