if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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