I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.