I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.