what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
