I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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