I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
