i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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