I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
