I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
