Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We left the knife in your bed.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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