Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
