the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
