So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
