My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
