So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.