Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
So apparently I’m into choking now
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
