Where did you get a picture of my penis
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down