Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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