It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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