He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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