maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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