11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just pee around me
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
