I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
