ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
