I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
