Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
