Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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