I just cut my nipple shaving
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
