dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i was born a porn star she said
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
