his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
