He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
