If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
