No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
