I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
