i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
