remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
