she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
