Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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