can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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